Thursday, November 3, 2011

I am a Debt Collector........

Today, I received an e-mail from a retarded fake debt collector... They have called me several times and I will usually answer the phone if I need a good laugh. They love to use acronyms like FBI and CIA and IRS....They tell me that they are calling from the FBI....Fugitive Business Investigator...Things like that. When they call me, they are probably on a laptop in the middle of a busy market and have accents as thick as molasses. I laugh and go along with it and show them how concerned I am about being arrested and handcuffed..... I then break down in fits of laughter and tell them how much I love to get arrested because the mugshots turn out better than Sears portrait studios Holiday pictures.
Keep in mind that I am a debt collector and have been for the past 20 years. I am fully versed in the Fair Debt Collection Practices and LOVE a good threat. Just when they are looking for a retard to extort money from....they find me! **SIGHS** Enjoy.....
The e-mail...

From: IC3xxxxxx
Sent: Wednesday, November 2, 2011 11:55 AM
Subject: Reference - Account Number 3368; Subject - Lawsuit

This is in reference to your Account number 3368 with ACS in order to notify you that after making several calls to you on your phone number, we were not able to get hold of you. So the IC3xxxx (Internet Crime Complaint Center) has decided to mark this case as a flat refusal and press charges against you.

We are hereby informing you regarding this and know your final words on this in reference to your amount pending which is $986.45

Do revert back if you want to get rid of these legal consequences and make a payment arrangement within the next 48 hours or else the case will be downloaded against you.

Once the case is downloaded the creditor has entire rights to inform your employer regarding this and if you are found guilty under the bench of jury then you have to bear a law suit which will be amounting to $4515.85 and will be totally levied upon you and that would be excluding your bail charges, your attorney charges and the due amount pending on your name $986.45

Best Wishes,

Morris Anderson
Sr. Investigation Officer
ACS Incorp
Direct – xxx.374.6411
Fax - xxx.402.7610

Now if I had been the average gullible person, I might have been a wee bit upset....Thankfully, I am not or I may have reacted like......


Dear retarded inbred,

      I suggest you re-read the Fair Debt Collection Practices the next time you decide to e-mail me. This e-mail does not have a name associated for whom you are trying to contact. I suggest you check your facts and please charge me with whatever crimes I have NOT committed. There are NO JAILS for people who owe debt. I would strongly urge you to Google a more fitting letter template and fill it out properly prior to sending it out over the Internet and making yourself and the people you represent look like the assholes you already are. I have marked this e-mail as "SPAM" and have also forwarded it to the Federal Trade Commission in helping them combat retards such as yourself and "company".
    Also take a moment and shop for an expandable hard-drive since you have plans on "downloading"me....My ass is pretty big so you may not have enough room on your V-Tech computer. One more thing before I get bored responding, to your limp attempt, at extorting money from people...some of which you are not mentally equipped to deal with...Like me!
   The last thing...I know cows in your country are sacred animals so, just for you over the next 30 days, I will consume roughly 30 of your deceased relatives as I bite into a variety of beef dishes. I will also feed my husband and children the same amount....maybe more...Hope this sits well with you.

 Here are a couple of pointers for the next time you call me:
1. Don't use names like John James or Peter Smith or Morris Anderson and have a THICK middle-eastern accent and expect ANYONE to believe you. If you name is proud of it because it's super unique!
2. Try some software to buffer out the background noise that I hear when you call...The car horns and the 5000 bicycle bells I hear.

3. Stop using Majik-Jack it only adds to how completely incompetent you inbreeds really are.
 Until then my little pet, I will await my arrest....and groovy new handcuffs that I will use on my husband....not for anything sexual...just until I get done using all the credit cards in his wallet!

 The person NOT named in your limp e-mail.

Hope this is what you look like by the time you get to the end of reading this e-mail I sent to you....

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"BEAST".......Has Come to Eat Me!!

As many of you may know… I hunt humans for a living. My chase territory has some interesting places…. Filled with people….and their pets….
I pull up to a home I am not familiar with and one thing sticks out on it like a gaping wound…”Beware of Dog” affixed in several places around the house. I get my camera out of my bag and zoom in to the property…. I scan everywhere….trying to spot the “BEAST”… No such luck! I drive around the block….checking all sides of the property….Nope…I STILL don’t see anything!! Fuck it!! I am going in that driveway…. Pablo the Malibu slithers into the driveway….the contents of the Malibu cannot be seen by the outside world… (Thanks Illegal Tint Master!!)
Sitting there, I wait for “BEAST” to come charging out of his camo-covered dog house….NOTHING!! I roll down the window….whistle….I HEAR IT!!!

As the clanking, dragging sound gets closer, I identify the direction. He came from behind my car!! Sneaky fucker!!
Ok, at this point, I know the owner is watching me….I saw the blinds move….Even the neighbors have came out for the show of “BEAST v/s WHITE WOMAN!!”!! I still have my window cracked….listening….Pablo the Malibu is a quiet machine…”BEAST” is right outside my door….dragging his 18-wheeler-tire-chain…. I hear him panting. I can now see the shoulders as they pass my door like a shark through dark waters……
“BEAST” weighs in at around 100lbs…..maybe more in the shoulders since his owners obviously LOVE him and want him to work out…..I know this because of the 18-wheeler-tire-chain he drags behind him!
My dog Shug...Not a "beast"..

“BEAST” reminds me of the character from Charles Dickens novel A Christmas Carol; Jacob Marley. Jacob who Scrooge described as having chains that were: “long and wound about him like a tail; it was made... of cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses wrought in steel."
He raises his cinder-block head and a glance up at my window…his glance says, “Open that door!”…..Little does “BEAST” know, but I know animals….. I worked for a veterinarian that taught me how to read animals….
I have my supplies that I need grasped firmly in my hand as I open my door. I notice the neighbors have practically brought out their lawn chairs and grills….to watch the show.
“BEAST” snorts and charges me…… I remove my sunglasses and stare at “BEAST”. The world around me has gone dark….I see nothing but “BEAST” and his drooling lower jaw as he approaches. He stops….he is 3 feet from me as I let my door shut by itself. Pablo the Malibu sits there….humming…..
He snorts again and takes a big inhale. I have not let my eyes dart from his pupils since he stopped. He inhales again…..raises his nose in the air. He comes closer….my hands are down at my sides….I can now feel his breath on my left hand….knuckles almost moist from his exhaled air….
Neighbors lean in….waiting for him to remove my left hand and eat it as an appetizer. “BEAST” nudges my hand….I start to walk….his nostrils do not remove themselves from my knuckles. I continue to make my way to the owners front porch….they have been watching this display from their window.

The darkness disappears around me as I place my letter firmly in his owners’ front door. The darkness now surrounds all who have been watching me and “BEAST” dance. As I make my way back to my trusty steed, Pablo the Malibu, I “smooch” at “BEAST”…..He wags his tail and I tell him how fantastic he is….He returns the compliment and jumps up on my left hip.
The neighbors let out a “gasp” as he does this…..I turn and look at everyone….stone-faced as I put back on my sunglasses. “BEAST” removes his grasp and I tell him to “SIT!” He does and I again compliment him on what a fantastic puppy he is….He wags his tail and I give him what has been hiding firmly in the grasp of my left hand. The neighbors and owner have no idea what the hell I had done to “BEAST”!
He takes his reward and retreats back onto the porch to wag his tail as if he had slayed a dragon. “Bye bye Puppy!!” I exclaim….

Pablo the Malibu’s interior is a cool 70 degrees…..comforting compared to the outdoor arena I had just came from. Pablo reverses out of “BEAST’s” lair and I make my way through the crowd of on-lookers….They have begun to laugh as I pull away.
When I get to the stop sign at the end of the road….”BEAST” has finished his reward and charges the neighbors…..they scatter like roaches and retreat from his grasp….they turn and watch me as I drive away.

*** Always remember….no matter how a dog is raised…it is still a dog. They cannot help if they are kept prisoner by shitty humans. “BEAST” was rewarded with beef jerky….When he smelled my knuckles….He was under the spell of the jerky….he is no longer a “BEAST” and will remember me the next time I go there. I will reward him every time I go…..It may be his ONLY reward he will ever see from a human…..*** I think I will take him some prime rib....Yes?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Suicide Is Not An Option!!

      In 1993, I was in line, waiting to purchase 2 tickets to the Daniel High School Senior Prom. All the students who were in front of me, purchased their tickets, without an issue. I approach, money in hand and request 2 tickets. Glaring at me over her glasses was a teacher named Mrs. O; a teacher who had never taught me, nor knew me personally. She removes her glasses and smirks as she says, “What is the name of the person you will be taking?”. “Her name is Misty.” Mrs. O sticks the ear-part of her specs, into her mouth and raises one eyebrow.
     I instantly review my answer to her question about who I wanted to take. I had not said any foul language; I had not called her a bitch; and I did not say it with any sort of fluctuation in my voice that would be construed as “sassy”. Check, check and check; nope, I am in the clear.
      Mrs. O let’s out an exaggerated sigh and says “Is the student from Daniel High School?” Oh boy, here we go, I thought. “No ma’am. She goes to Liberty High School.” Mrs.O  let out another sigh and another glaring look. “You can’t take a female from a different school to the prom. We don’t allow girls to take girls to the prom, nor do we allow boys to take boys.” WOW, really?
As I stand there at the front of the line, I feel a warm rush of anger race through my body. At that very moment, as I stood there, I had two choices: 1- Walk away or 2- Dig deeper. As the seconds passed, one by one, I chose option 2.
       I didn’t want to take a boy to the prom; I wanted to have fun with my BFF, Misty. I wanted laughter and giggling and snorting…I did NOT want to take a boy! I take in a deep breath, “Why can’t girls take girls or boys take boys to the prom?” Glaring, she replies, “You can NOT take a female to the prom, and boys can NOT take boys to the prom because that is not the type of audience we want to attend. Unless, that is, if you are willing to admit to being a lesbian.” My mind cannot compute…my mind cannot compute!!! (ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS????????!!!!!)
             “Just what “type” of audience is allowed to attend?” Mrs. O, forever Queen Douchebag, opens her verbal vomit infested mouth and simply says “Normal heterosexual couples.”
Poor Mrs. O; always thinking about how important she is…she could have saved herself the trouble and asked me what I thought of her.
“Are you telling me that in order for me to take a female from another school, I would have to say I am a lesbian? Is this a district rule or a school rule or was this a Prom Committee  decision? What is wrong with that? Misty is my best friend but we aren’t a gay couple.” “Well, I am sorry about that. The Prom committee and school administrators have all agreed on the rules. They represent the student body as a whole (on prom related issues).”
                       I swallow what I really want to say to her. Instead, I calmly say, “Thank you, I shall return.” Mrs. O need not respond but felt she had the upper hand replied, “Looking forward to it!!” Seriously, does anyone have a can of gasoline, a blow-torch and some fire-ants????

 Understand this is before gay was accepted…even LESS than it is now. This was in the time that kids found it funny to call people who seemed different “fag” “homo””fudge-packer” and “faggot”. I embraced people who were different. I defended the ones who could not defend themselves; I KNEW a lot of the kids who were gay prior to anyone else knowing their truth. However, knowing them and knowing the intolerant era we were in, I never told a soul. I accepted them for being the wonderful, sweet, kind and “boxed-in” people that I knew they were. They were the ones who allowed me, to be myself even if I went against the grain of authority, and found myself in altercations and verbal disagreements. I knew that they all had their personal reasons as to why they did not want to “come out of the closet” and I was ok with that. Being gay was none of anyone’s business especially a judgmental hag like Mrs.O!
              I walk to the payphone located around the corner from the office at Daniel High School. I call my dad and tell him what had just happened. Even my retired Army dad knew that the behavior of Mrs.O on behalf of Daniel High School was unconstitutional. That night, my parents and I, discuss what we should do; calling lawyer friends when we had a question about the law. I did not go to school the next day because we had some chess pieces to move.
We seek the advice of a little known lawyer, in the tiny town of Pickens; Scott Dover. He advises us about the law and has me give him a recorded statement. The main thing I remember about being in Scott’s office were his two small dogs; miniature schnauzers. They were little silver bullets that continually darted, in and out of his office, to let out a random bark. Apparently, the adults have what they need and we leave Scott’s office. On the ride home, I find out that I had AMAZINGLY not been found guilty of doing anything wrong! Yay me!
 Scott was going to file an injunction against Daniel High School. The injunction meant that Daniel High School could NOT have a prom if I were not allowed to attend based solely on my personal choice to take a same sex “date”!!!   The injunction was also filed with the ACLU and insured students of the LGBT to have the same privacy as regular students did. This meant that this case would set the bar for all future rights and privacy for every single student. No student would be made to “out” themselves in order to attend any function represented by any public school anywhere in America! WHOA! Really??  I was moved that this lawyer was willing to take on the School District of Pickens County AND Daniel High School for the rights of gays!!
        I honestly felt powerful! Not a selfish feeling at all…it was more for the gays in the present and future who would be allowed to be themselves. I also thought about the many other students who had stood where I stood and faced the same kind of Mrs.O. The shame they were supposed to carry because some asshole (Mrs.O) thinks they deserve this treatment. I am sure somewhere inside Mrs.O, she went home that night and felt like she had conquered the world. Little did she know, she actually helped the gay community by acting like the asshole she was. Thanks Mrs.O, you’re a peach!
              The next day, I return to school and I went through the day not telling my little secret that I wanted to scream with every ounce of my body. That was a tough day for me, as many of you could imagine. During the day the all-powerful Oz (Scott Dover), had filed the court papers and had the School District promptly served the very same day. By the end of the day, I was busting at the seams. Mom picks me up from school and we have a normal night.
             I return to school the next morning and am greeted at the door by our then principal, Mary Seman. “Oh, shit!! She will not let me attend school…I should wave Mom down and just have her wait…oh crap….wtf!! Um….. Keep walking, Katie!!!” I think to myself. “Hello, Miss Hendricks. How are you today?” I walk past her and continue into the building. (Did she just call me by my name AND ask me how I am??? I am NOT stopping!! Fuck that…she’s off her meds!!)
Later that day, I was paged to the office where some school district big-wig was waiting for me. Ok, this is where I get sent home or expelled, right? Nope, also in the room was my lawyer, Scott and a representative from the ACLU! I feel better as I continue to walk towards the empty chair meant for me. A shoulder pat from Scott and a handshake from the ACLU rep. I sit and am quite, not knowing what I am even doing in this room full of “important” people.
       “On behalf of the School District of Pickens County and Daniel High School, we would like to apologize for anything that was said to you and the behavior of Mrs.O. We did not realize that we were excluding any students based on their sexual orientation; it was not our intention. We would like to offer you the prom tickets you had attempted to purchase for free and any costs or expenses you may have as a result of this gross negligence on our part. We are deeply sorry.” My eyes dart around the room, filled with tears of happiness coupled with not fully understanding the words that had just escaped the school district reps mouth. I look at my lawyer and simply ask “Does this mean we all have won?” Scott returns the teary eyed look and allows the ACLU rep to speak for him. Mr. ACLU tells me that not only have we won but hundreds of thousands of students all over America have too. I am floored and I ask if I can say something.
               “I did not do this for free prom tickets or to wave a gay-pride flag in the air. I did this because I know in my heart that this was not the way any human being should ever be treated. I will refuse any and all free gifts or monies offered to me. I may not even attend the prom. Give the tickets and the money to another student who could not attend due to not having enough money. I just don’t want to become a target for the administration of this school in the future. Thank you very much, but I have gotten the best gift I could have; knowing other students would never have to feel the shame I felt.”
                                  No matter where you came from, no matter where you go in life, you can never change the fact that we are all human beings. The daily shame and bullying that happens on a daily basis for kids is unimaginable. Parents and teachers should pay special attention to any sort of name-calling or maltreatment that is targeted towards any student or child that is potentially different than other students or children. We should not allow our children to feel shame for something that goes against the grain of normality. I have five friends in my life that I knew from the first moments I spent with them, that they were gay. I never told their secret and I never allowed anyone to pick on them because they seemed a little more feminine or a little more masculine than the other kids. Each of them had qualities within them that to this very day, still allows me to love them today and always.
As a parent, I could never turn my back on my child because they revealed their deepest secret to me that they are gay. There is not a religion on earth that I would subscribe to that commands me to shun anyone, let alone my own child, for their personal choices or for a choice that was instilled deep within their soul prior to breathing their first breath.
                         When my oldest was taught that there are “black” people and “white “people, I had to correct her teacher. I wanted her to look beyond the teachings of the misinformed. At home, I had her open a new box of crayons. I asked her to pick the crayon that matched her skin the best. She looked at the box of 64 and studied all the colors. Her small, dimpled fingers choose a crayon and she hides it and smiles. I asked her to show me the crayon and she presents to me a medium shade of brown. She had chosen the right crayon. I then asked her to pick out a crayon that would match the skin of one of her “black” friends. She sets her crayon on the table and again, the little dimpled fingers head towards the box of 64. She again picks a crayon and presents it to me. She had chosen a rich dark chocolate brown. Still, to this day, should she mention a “color” of a peer, she always says “brown” instead of black. She knows that only a couple of shades separate her from her “brown” friends. Lesson learned and instilled.
My oldest will be in 5th grade this year and understands that she will meet a variety of different people. She will meet people who are nice; people who are not so nice; people who will pick on her because she is chunky and super smart. I am very open with her about questions she has about anything she may ask. Should she or her younger sibling ever come to us about any peer issues she or any other student is having, she knows there are no repercussions that would come from us. She knows she should defend others when they are being treated cruel or unfair. She accepts that there are people who have same sex partners and she accepts that. She sees the good in people and wants them to see the same of her.
            Suicide is not an option for anyone. A last resort for children should be graduating from high school ready to conquer the world and maybe change a little of it along the way. I hope one day, my kids can do just that. Their mother started a behind-the-curtain revolt and one day I hope to pass my badge on to one of them. I know they will make me proud…..they do it every day.
            Here is a story from CNN that inspired me to write this....maybe it will make you stand up and take notice....defend the indefensible.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


So, while on my voyage to Clemson, I had to stop at a traffic light. While sitting there listening to the news and weather reports, a dude in a Suburban pulled up beside me….

Since today was so nice, I had my windows down. The warm afternoon slowly changing over to a cool, crisp evening…I took a deep breath. Then as my ADD loosens its hold on my attention, I realize that I no longer hear the twittering of birds or the sounds of the refreshing air whishing through my hair….. Like a rubber ball connected to a wooden paddle, I was suddenly snapped back into reality. The wheels in my brain come to a full STOP…..Ok, I can hear it now. I heard a low thud…..then another…coming closer….now I realize that these sounds were in a pattern…repeating….becoming louder….
The thuds have now graduated to a loud BOOM-buzzzz….again repeating…OVER and OVER and OVER…and OVER………. I check my mirror and I see what’s approaching…a dark green Chevrolet Suburban…The ADD in me suddenly screams….”SHINY!!”. From an almost inaudible “thud” getting closer….it has now been transformed into a full on RAP CONCERT beside me. “Fucktard,” I think to myself

I glance over at “Dr. Dickface” to make sure he knows my opinion about his rap concert invading my personal space…. Thinking about which stereo component I would love to shove up his ass….my eardrums were assaulted….’fuck….bitches…..mutha-fucka…club…nnnn shit…..(~*~*~*~insert retarded non-rhyming sentence here…preferably containing one, if not all, of the words in my previous sentence~*~*~*~) nnnnn swagger…’ blah blah blah blah .

The light turns green…..we are neck-and-neck all the way to the next red-light…SHIT!! The light just turned red….GREAT! Another retarded-mobile-rap-concert…… (*^$(#Q^ (Q#^ (Q^$(^#$(^#%Q$%$^$#^@$37q5!!
I “toot” my horn….I glance over….he turns down his music….he glances back…offers me a “I work as a Master Drive-Thru Technician….@ Burger King”…..UGH…He’s a FUCKTARD….

K- Hey!
K- ******YELLS***** You should play some Beethoven…….!!
…..His eyes glaze over…… (Internal giggle)….nope…no response yet… I wait…. any sign of brain activity…edge of my seat…..AARRRHHHGGGGGG!!! Then….as if he had returned from an out-of-body moment……He musters up a response….wait for it….wait for it….


K- My point EXACTLY!!! You have just proven to me, that you aren’t any smarter, than the fuck-nugget on your cd……….YOU ARE GONNA GO FAR IN LIFE………Dickhead! TURN THAT RAP-SHIT OFF!!....and I took the liberty of writing down your tag number so I can file a “Noise Ordinance Complaint”……Ok……Bye now!!