Monday, February 23, 2015

When Dating a Tweed, There Are Some Things YOU Should Know!...And Things You Shouldn't!


I was known as Dragon...


He was known as Death....
     





                 I won’t bore you with the story of how Tweed and I met. We think circa 2001/2000?? We’re old and forget shit! If you’re lucky enough to remain in his life, I am sure sooner or later, you’ll hear it from him. Or I may visit one day and you’ll hear all about the invention of trolling. Tweed and I invented that art…no matter what kids these days are claiming…





 
 Before I give you some insight on Tweed, let’s just clear the air about who I am. Just in case you pull out the “Jealous-Threatened-Wounded-“Pick me over her or I will leave you”-emotional-tears-hormonal-twisted-sense of female fuckery” card… No matter what…Don’t start that type of bullshit… Don’t be a dick.
Don't be a jealous girlfriend...it doesn't end well....for YOU!

 If you ever question my intentions, I can guarantee you, you’ve got it all wrong. Pulling out that card, just simply means that you have some inner issues that you need to work on. Jealousy tends to fuck-up relationships…DON’T FUCK IT UP!

I get it…you’re his woman…he’s your man/boyfriend/fuck-o-da-month…Whatever he is to you and you to him I get it!! Girls CAN be friends with men… I have always had more male friends than female friends. I am not like typical/predictable women you’ve come accustomed to…I am Tweed in female form.

I have stood beside Tweed through some pretty shitty life experiences….Through some middle of the night phone calls and text messages…or just as a person to vent/yell/complain to. I am his “go-to” female friend….and I have no plans on changing that.  I am direct, quiet, shy, opinionated, brutally honest (…I give no fucks if I make you cry), foul-mouthed, twisted, morbid, sweet, squeezably-soft, non-politically correct female you will ever have the pleasure of meeting…. If you ever have an issue with me ( I dunno why you would)…deal with me directly…
I am there...always...

So…now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries….Tweed….











                                    First off, if you are looking for a “project” or “I can fix/change him” relationship…you’ve come to the wrong game show. He’s a human being not some fucking Yorkie, that you can buy cute bows and hats for. Gradual changes or modifications are best. If you come at him like a Japanese tsunami…it’s not going to work… There is no “fixing” needed….What you see is what you get. If you try and “fix” him you should start with that previous wench he had. Go fix that piece of shit…

Walks like a duck..quacks like a duck...
A turtle only comes out of their shell....with trust...

 Tweed is like a turtle….he likes his shell...He’ll come balls-out when he’s ready...(ugh..what a mental picture). There is nothing you can do that would speed up that process…but if you are strong enough to stick around…the payoff will be utter happiness.







      Tweed is loyal to those he loves and cares about…not your usual run-of-the-mill kind of loyal…the “Until Your Last Fucking Breath” kind of loyal. He is weirdly spontaneous and unpredictable…think of ADHD…and then stir in a 50 cal…but bear with him…It’s a personality trait that will never cease…and it is so fucking FUN! 
Spontaneous! ALWAYS!





 


















          Tweed isn’t wishy-washy about the people or things he devotes himself to….He’ll either go all in…or he’ll walk away. If he has chosen to go all in for you…you should feel damn lucky…He’s welcomed you into a part of him that not many people get to see. Don’t fuck it up.

He's NOT being mean...just honest!
He’s brutally honest and expects the same out of you…no matter how much it hurts….BE HONEST. He doesn’t cheat. If you ever cheat on him, a Jacuzzi filled with muriatic acid awaits you. If you can’t control your vagina…walk-the-fuck-away… Don’t put yourself in a situation that “looks wrong”… 






 If you are with him…then you should act as if you’re ALWAYS with him…He would do the same. If you want to break-up with him…don’t use your vagina to make it easier on him…If you do that…you are a fucking shit-stain-in-a-homeless-mans-unwashed-taint-rubbed-worn for 7 years-underwear. You should take one of those sporks from KFC and decapitate yourself.
Free...Take One!


If you get a ring...
Tweed doesn’t fall in love gradually…he dives in that shit like the best alcohol on Earth. If you eventually find yourself in the “Holy fuck I might move in with him” OR the “Holy fuck I want to marry this bastard”….Make sure that you are ALL IN! Accepting the key/ring doesn’t always equate to permanency….but it should….unless he royally fucks up…then leave. But…he won’t fuck it up…I promise you.



If you get keys....










 I hate to lay a big pile of steaming shit on your lap….but if anybody will fuck the permanency thing up….YOU will! Yep….That’s right. If you feel like you don’t want to go through with things….just talk…but for fucks sake…Don’t go tossing your labia around like an Italian playing soccer! Leave….take your shit and go….leave the key/ring somewhere he can find it….and go.

Let’s talk about the physicality of his potential mate. Before you think that he is a shallow bastard....maybe..but most men are! He's not. He just loves the female form.....boobs...ass...face...He loves the beauty of women!

You’ve got to be physically fit…be it that bullshit yoga...spinning...running…whatever. Tweed needs a woman who takes care of herself…Yes, there will be times where you can flop around on the couch but, Tweed isn’t someone who will allow laziness to win and become unfit. He has always taken good care of himself. Sure, he drinks…he eats caveman meals…but he balances that with keeping tabs on his health! Wear some make-up…SOME. You don’t want to put on a fa├žade when dating him….and you don’t want his friends to think you’re a paid escort…Less is more! Be comfortable with who you are as a person. Make-up can hide things but, Tweed also love the confidence you have when you don’t wear any make-up at all and are completely confident in doing so!

If you need an example of what NOT to look like…Come see me. I’ll get naked for you so you can see what he doesn’t like. HA! See that? I am confident enough to say that about myself. I know that he would gag if he ever saw me naked…but then we’d probably piss ourselves laughing and saying some really raunchy shit! That’s just us. I get him…he gets me.
Guess who....Nah....but...yeah...

My role in all this??…Trying to prevent you from fucking anything that involves him, up. If he’s cool with you...then I am. I support his choices no matter who he winds up with. I want to like you...I do. But you have to understand that I will be skeptical of you….at first…I want to like/love you as much (but in a different way) as he does…. 

He deserves to be HAPPY…content…taken care of… I would love to see him with someone like you…settled down..(no clue what THAT means)..married…and wee babes in the uterus.  

After reading all of this, you may feel like you could never be like the woman I describe….Don’t feel like that. If you have made it this far without fucking it up…then be in it 1,000,000%! I promise you…he is the one male on Earth that would bring you the stars if you asked him to.
 
Just tell him which stars you want.....
Just love him. Just be yourself. Just be honest. Just be genuine! Just hang the fuck on because you will have so much fun….and MANY laughs!