Thursday, August 11, 2011

"BEAST".......Has Come to Eat Me!!

As many of you may know… I hunt humans for a living. My chase territory has some interesting places…. Filled with people….and their pets….
I pull up to a home I am not familiar with and one thing sticks out on it like a gaping wound…”Beware of Dog” affixed in several places around the house. I get my camera out of my bag and zoom in to the property…. I scan everywhere….trying to spot the “BEAST”… No such luck! I drive around the block….checking all sides of the property….Nope…I STILL don’t see anything!! Fuck it!! I am going in that driveway…. Pablo the Malibu slithers into the driveway….the contents of the Malibu cannot be seen by the outside world… (Thanks Illegal Tint Master!!)
Sitting there, I wait for “BEAST” to come charging out of his camo-covered dog house….NOTHING!! I roll down the window….whistle….I HEAR IT!!!

As the clanking, dragging sound gets closer, I identify the direction. He came from behind my car!! Sneaky fucker!!
Ok, at this point, I know the owner is watching me….I saw the blinds move….Even the neighbors have came out for the show of “BEAST v/s WHITE WOMAN!!”!! I still have my window cracked….listening….Pablo the Malibu is a quiet machine…”BEAST” is right outside my door….dragging his 18-wheeler-tire-chain…. I hear him panting. I can now see the shoulders as they pass my door like a shark through dark waters……
“BEAST” weighs in at around 100lbs…..maybe more in the shoulders since his owners obviously LOVE him and want him to work out…..I know this because of the 18-wheeler-tire-chain he drags behind him!
My dog Shug...Not a "beast"..

“BEAST” reminds me of the character from Charles Dickens novel A Christmas Carol; Jacob Marley. Jacob who Scrooge described as having chains that were: “long and wound about him like a tail; it was made... of cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses wrought in steel."
He raises his cinder-block head and a glance up at my window…his glance says, “Open that door!”…..Little does “BEAST” know, but I know animals….. I worked for a veterinarian that taught me how to read animals….
I have my supplies that I need grasped firmly in my hand as I open my door. I notice the neighbors have practically brought out their lawn chairs and grills….to watch the show.
“BEAST” snorts and charges me…… I remove my sunglasses and stare at “BEAST”. The world around me has gone dark….I see nothing but “BEAST” and his drooling lower jaw as he approaches. He stops….he is 3 feet from me as I let my door shut by itself. Pablo the Malibu sits there….humming…..
He snorts again and takes a big inhale. I have not let my eyes dart from his pupils since he stopped. He inhales again…..raises his nose in the air. He comes closer….my hands are down at my sides….I can now feel his breath on my left hand….knuckles almost moist from his exhaled air….
Neighbors lean in….waiting for him to remove my left hand and eat it as an appetizer. “BEAST” nudges my hand….I start to walk….his nostrils do not remove themselves from my knuckles. I continue to make my way to the owners front porch….they have been watching this display from their window.

The darkness disappears around me as I place my letter firmly in his owners’ front door. The darkness now surrounds all who have been watching me and “BEAST” dance. As I make my way back to my trusty steed, Pablo the Malibu, I “smooch” at “BEAST”…..He wags his tail and I tell him how fantastic he is….He returns the compliment and jumps up on my left hip.
The neighbors let out a “gasp” as he does this…..I turn and look at everyone….stone-faced as I put back on my sunglasses. “BEAST” removes his grasp and I tell him to “SIT!” He does and I again compliment him on what a fantastic puppy he is….He wags his tail and I give him what has been hiding firmly in the grasp of my left hand. The neighbors and owner have no idea what the hell I had done to “BEAST”!
He takes his reward and retreats back onto the porch to wag his tail as if he had slayed a dragon. “Bye bye Puppy!!” I exclaim….

Pablo the Malibu’s interior is a cool 70 degrees…..comforting compared to the outdoor arena I had just came from. Pablo reverses out of “BEAST’s” lair and I make my way through the crowd of on-lookers….They have begun to laugh as I pull away.
When I get to the stop sign at the end of the road….”BEAST” has finished his reward and charges the neighbors…..they scatter like roaches and retreat from his grasp….they turn and watch me as I drive away.

*** Always remember….no matter how a dog is raised…it is still a dog. They cannot help if they are kept prisoner by shitty humans. “BEAST” was rewarded with beef jerky….When he smelled my knuckles….He was under the spell of the jerky….he is no longer a “BEAST” and will remember me the next time I go there. I will reward him every time I go…..It may be his ONLY reward he will ever see from a human…..*** I think I will take him some prime rib....Yes?